Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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