i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
