who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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