i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
