I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize