my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
