You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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