1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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