I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize