I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
