There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
