I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
