I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
