You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
