I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
