Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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