My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
