I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize