boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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