Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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