I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize