Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
