Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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