I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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