I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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