I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize