So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
