all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
