wakey wakey hands off snakey
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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