awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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