and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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