Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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