You made me cry and you don't even care
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
