i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
