There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
