I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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