I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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