Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
