Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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