I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
