I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
