what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize