I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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