So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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