His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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