Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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