Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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