someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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