My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
