I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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