I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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