remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
