She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
