My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I want to fling myself into the sun
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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