I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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