I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize