I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
