saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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