Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
