pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
false alarm. still invincible.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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