There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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