so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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